Desperate to let go - remembering mom on Valentine's Day

Last year at this time, Valentine's Day, we were in the final weeks of my mom's life.

We didn't know that at the time, but we knew that she wasn't strong. During my final stay with her in the hospital they tried to get her to stand and to walk but the most that she could do was shimmy to the lounge chair and sit up to look out the window or watch TV. The last photo I have of her is one of those moments. Her sitting in her chair in the middle of her big, windowed, hospital room. Small in the chair, eating lunch, bundled up in a hospital gown and blanket.

It wasn't until months after she passed away that I realized her silent desperation leading up to those days. I had been struggling with something - knowing my life I'm sure it was a financial issue - and at the end of the day, after turning off the TV, before going to bed, I sat on the couch and feeling defeated and desperate, and held my head in my hands. Exactly the way my mom had done during the last year of her life. She would silently sit on the couch, holding her head - not sharing with us the struggle she felt inside.

I crumbled when I realized that. I think I sobbed for a good hour.

I'm crying now.

I don't think it was until she saw the end on the horizon that mom let go of that desperation. When she was at home in hospice, letting us take care of her, she talked to us about how she felt about us, about herself, about moments in her life. We really didn't talk about the end, about was was coming. We didn't have to. We only had to talk for the moment. There was a gentle light in that - it sort of made the difficult time to come softer, easier to handle.

For whatever reason mom held onto her desperation. I'm sure that she didn't want to burden us, but in not letting go of it, she kept us distant from her. When she let go of feeling desperate she brought us in and we were able to take hold of what lied ahead together. And even in its darkest hour it was not heavy with burden, but full of peaceful sadness.

Desperation should never be carried alone. Others are there to help us let go, to hold our hand, and to bring joy and peace in difficult times. Together we make the way softer, peaceful, and easier to tow.

- Scott